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Author Topic: Can anyone proof read my cover letter?  (Read 2280 times)
aimak
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« on: May 11, 2001, 02:06:56 AM »

Well, my first language is not English, so I don't write very well in English.  I would like to apply for a job offered by a Network Integrator in Hong Kong, it would be nice if someone is willing to proof read my cover letter.  Thanks in advance.

---------------------------------------------
   My Address


             May 14, 2001;

             Human Resources Department
             XXXXXXXXXXXX
             XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
             XXXXXXXXXXXX
             XXXXX

             Re: Application for the Position of Network Engineer Trainee

             Dear Sir or Madam:  

             Your company's mission of "turning communication technologies into business solutions that can enhance the quality of life of our
             society" is consistent with my philosophy regarding technology. Please accept this letter an application for the Network Engineer
             Trainee position that you have available. I am particularly interested in a position with XXX Telecom after visiting its official
             website. The company appears to promote multidimensional learning, recognize talent and provide growth opportunities in an
             environment of mutual level of respect and trust.

             I currently work as a System Support Engineer at XXXX Communications (Holdings) Ltd. I mainly work as a System Administrator
             implementing, maintaining and fine-tuning the Linux based WAP servers. As a member of the XXXXXXX team, we develop systems
             which support the encoding, transmission, and presentation of live streaming and refreshed data on mobile devices. My past teamwork
             experiences have not only helped me gain system and network knowledge but also improve my human relations skills. I am an
             independent, cooperative and detail oriented person. My enclosed r?Žsum?provides more details on my qualifications.

             As you will notice, I had obtained a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science from the University of Saskatchewan, Canada. I am a
             Cisco Certificated Network Associate (CCNA), Cisco Certificated Design Associate (CCDA) and am currently pursuing both CCNP and
             Linux System Administration Certificate offered by XXXXU. I feel that the combination of my professional experience, education, and
             strong organizational skills, would allow me to make a valuable contribution to XXX.

             If you are seeking a Network Engineer Trainee who is a sponge for knowledge, who believes in life-long learning, and who is as
             career-committed as it takes to achieve total success, then please consider what I have to offer. I look forward to talking with you
             regarding career opportunities with XXX. Thank you for your time and consideration.

             Sincerely,  
               
               

             My Name

             Enclosure
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Nicole
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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2001, 10:47:43 AM »

I'm impressed.  Your command of English is excellent.  Only a few things jumped out at me:

Quote
Your company's mission of "turning communication...


Hmmm... perhaps "Your company's mission, "Turning communication..."  Also add a comment at the end of the quote after "society."

Quote
Please accept this letter an application for the Network Engineer


"Please accept this letter as an application..."


Quote
The company appears to promote multidimensional learning, recognize talent and provide growth opportunities in an
environment of mutual level of respect and trust.


Awkward here.  How about "I was especially  impressed with your company's emphasis on promoting multidimensional learning, recognizing talent and providing growth opportunities in an
environment of mutual respect and trust."

Quote
r?Žsum?


Typo?

Quote
As you will notice, I had obtained a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science...


Make that "have obtained"

Good luck!
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slapyomoma
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2001, 03:28:30 PM »

with Nicole's corrections, you should be okay.

good luck

sym
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Omletteboy
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« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2001, 10:32:59 PM »

Hey aimak, just wondering how the IT market is right now in HK.  I'm from HK but I'm in Canada right now.  Have been giving thoughts about going back...
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aimak
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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2001, 11:51:10 PM »

Thanks a lot!!
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aimak
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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2001, 11:58:05 PM »

Quote
Originally posted by Omletteboy
Hey aimak, just wondering how the IT market is right now in HK.  I'm from HK but I'm in Canada right now.  Have been giving thoughts about going back...


Since I am not sure how well you are doing in Canada, I think it is hard for me to say whether the HK IT market is good or bad (you know, good or bad is all about comparison).  I would say if you want to get a job and ask for a reasonable salary, it is not hard at all.  May be you can take a look of those salary tends from those job searching sites (http://www.careertimes.com.hk, http://www.scmp.com, http://www.panadacareer.com, http://www.jobsdb.com.hk)
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Omletteboy
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« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2001, 01:20:53 PM »

I was looking at $30K HK / month, since HK living standard is quite high although taxes are much lower.  How hard is it to find a job like that.
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aimak
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« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2001, 08:34:52 PM »

Well, then you have to tell me how much of experience you have, what field you are in and how good you are? ^_^
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Omletteboy
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« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2001, 10:11:27 AM »

I send you a private message Smiley
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« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2001, 11:33:03 PM »

Greeting all! I am HK too(feel happy to meet HK ppl here).
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Omletteboy
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« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2001, 09:26:44 AM »

Greetings to you too plane Smiley  So how is HK treating you in the IT department.
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« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2001, 10:43:16 PM »

Indeed, we are still somewhat in recession and HK living standard is acceptable now. Except the traffic fee still expensive, you can find some eat cheap, clothes cheap, computer cheap, and rent house is much cheaper too.

Finding a job may not that hard but the salary level still very low in the moment.If you are looking for a job with 30K, you will need a good degree, good communication skills and 3 years good experience.
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« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2001, 02:15:33 PM »

Im sure that the letter is good, but I know I was bored with it before I was half-way thru it. From my experiences, you have to be brief and to the point, or the potential employer will get bored also.

Good luck,
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JennyWren
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« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2001, 07:56:51 AM »

I wouldn't worry about your english, your cover letter is great.  However I wouldn't repeat what you already have in your resume, i.e. your education/certs.  You have emphasised very well what you can do for them and not what they can do for you which is very important in a cover.  Good luck and let us know how you get on.
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Kasor
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« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2001, 08:33:47 AM »

Try to make it a little simple and get to the point. Specially, the 1st Para.

It is a good letter, but you need to know HK is not US or Canada.

So, you need to adjust what is suitable for them to see.
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