THE OEM HP IBM DELL BUSINESS PLAN -

HOW TO MAXIMIZE SHAREHOLDER WEALTH IN THE COMPUTER BUSINESS

In this space, I will briefly summarize the business plans
currently into place at IBM, HP and DELL, among others.

First of all, cheap labor is important. Many applicants
need to be the case. There are 2 sides to the coin.
People need to apply, and people need to be accepted
in the call centers.

To apply, people need to think tech support at HP
is important.

1. Let's bribe newspapers, politicians and schools
into spreading the message that employment in I.T.
is actually valuable and credible as a career
move.

2. Next, many I.T. bootcamps need to be built and brought
into the equation...surely they want to make as much
money as possible, recruiting students into their
programs, teaching the subject matter. Government
financing is okay...taxpayer dollars are easily
taken from the government coffers.

3. We need to bring down the technical demands of
the job as low as possible. Out goal, is the have
a tech support job at HP, at the same level
as serving Big Macs, fries and a Pepsi at the
corner. So, recruiting can be from anywhere
around the world, H1B's, from Bootcamps, from
highschool students...basically, anyone can work
here, as long as they know how to use a phone and
a keyboard.

4. We need to destroy the tiny least possibility that
these workers will protect themselves, and organize
into some kind of union, that could weaken management,
bring up salary levels, or create 2 bargaining groups.
So, we will be firing 1/3 of all workers every 3 or 6
months, so they won't get comfortable in the job, or
begin to get inconvenient ideas, like organizing themselves.
After all, news workers are busy learning the job and so
on...they don't think of protecting themselves. They're
just happy to be sitting in the chair, and getting a check.

5. We need to bring down expectations from customers. Let
buyers think that spending 2 grand is an end in itself, and
that corporations don't have any obligation to excellence
in quality or customer service. Computer users need to
understand, they they're responsible for thier own misery.
We have counsellors on the line, to make you understand
that HP knows nothing, neither do the so-called agents
on the line, nor is there such as thing as excellence in
warranty, product quality. Ethics is not a word in the
dictionary. The counsellors are on the line, for HP,
to make people understand that we care for them, theoretically,
but we can't actually do anything for them. But again, we
care for the callers, Please call again. As many times as you
like. But we will never feel obligated to actually deliver
anything to you..or solve your problem. We are experts
in the run-around.

6. Make tech support agents understand they customers and
callers are the dumbest people on the face of the Earth.
In fact, if they walked into a garage, with rusted paint
on their car, and if the mechanic told them that it would
be fixed by taking a jar of Jell-O and spreading in on the
surface, it should be fixed. No more rust. Jell-O is the magic.
Same thing in computers. Don't worry about the customer...the
caller is a dumbass, who doesn't know his XXXXXXX from a hole in
the ground. But make sure you tell the customer this bullshit
in caring a credible manner. Image is the number 1 criterion.
You must, as an agent, feed the caller with this shit, with
credibility, like this is the truth. Sir, this Jell-O when
applied to your modem or your computer, will make it stop
freezing up. Guaranteed. Scout's honor. Delivered in an
honest, and convincing manner, like Lou Dobbs on businessline,
CNN, or Peter Jennings. Aliens have landed on Mars. Yessir !
Don't worry about the caller. He's an idiot..tell him some
crap until he stops whining, or stops calling us. He's figure
it out for himself. He can't take it back to the store, because
they'll feed him some horseshit even worse than we do! But
stay the course...keep the image..pretend you're Peter Jennings
or Walter Cronkite...credibility.

7. OK, now. So, summarizing, we hire anybody, we fire half the team
every 3 to 6 months so they're on their toes and have their mouths
shut tight, we make clear to customers they're dumbasses and they
should expect nothing or less than nothing from us, we care for
them, and we're credible - like someone reading the news on TV.
Next, we need to make sure the morons in the call centers do the
job.

8. Let's setup on the intranet, a database with most of the
answers that can be horse-fed into the telephone to callers.
They type some keywords, and some kind of answer will popup
on their screens. Like ...type FREEZE ... punch it in.
Oh, what was on Oprah yesterday ? I need some Mae-West cookies
and doughnuts from Dunkin Doughnuts or Tim Hortons. Here it
comes...scandisk. Okay...sir, you need to do a scandisk. What
is it ? Uhhmm 1 sec.... type in scandisk. Yes here it is.
Sir, scandisk is a tool you run to fix problems. How to get it?
Lemme read a bit more. ... okay click on start, then programs...
sir, yes you click on start programs (reads from screen). Will
that be all ? You want fries with that ? Okay ...have a great
day, thanks for calling. Um..talk time 5 minutes...a bit high.
I gotta stop day dreaming about that soap opera...I wonder
what's on TV tonight. Ring....thank you for calling HP. My
name is [insert here] how many may I help you ?

9. OK, so we've got most problems taken care of. All we need now,
is to make sure managers are part of our plan. The dumber the
better. We can't have supervisors, team leaders, managers too
smart, or they will create problems. Here, let me hire this 21
year old kid, just came from working at the ice cream stand.
Has experience ... isn't expecting too much from people, the
tech support agents, and never worked in I.T. before...doesn't
know a computer, barely used it since high school. 1 year ago.
What's a certification ? A MCSE ? CNA ? CCNA ? A+ Never heard of
it. Is that something in nursing or insurance ? Oh, yeah. Smiles.
Okay. That's fun. Well, it's great to be managing 200 people...
it's better than serving ice cream, sundaes and staying in the
heat. Oh, this is a good career move. I must be smiling a lot,
to be appreciated. I just got shampoo and by teeth cleaned
at the dentist. That's how I will be evaluated....how nice I look.
And the car I drive...too.

10. Well, head office is happy with our performance. It's costing
them now a FRACTION of what it used to cost. We can compete with
all the other OEM makers, now that we have a sweatshop, and have
essentially destroyed what people used to imagine could potentially
be a viable livelihood. I'm also getting a lot of money, millions
in fact, from the government, in appreciation of having created
all these jobs! Another positive factor on the bottom line!

11. If I ever get fired as the business analyst at HP, I can
try to implement this business strategy in health services. Look
at the potential! Billions of dollars just waiting to be made!
Let's fire all the doctors and nurses, and bring in people
from highschools, and the people who are on welfare, to prescribe
medicines, and treat medical problems! Why pay a medical doctor
100 to 200 grand a year, when I can get a teenage from Burger
King, to take a look at your health problem, for 20 grand a year!
Of course, it could be expensive in a class-action lawsuit...but,
if that happens, we can go under chapter 11, and go under
bankruptcy protection. They'll never get me. And the people working
as doctors, well...they're kids. Juvenile Hall will await them...
they're intentions are good, and they're sure as heck able
to show how much they care for customers, or patients with
a terrible health problem. This smile. They care about people. This
is what it's about. Got a common cold ? Here ... have open heart
surgery, or this box of pills I've got that's a few years old. Oh,
yeah. That vacation in the Carribean will come in handy.

Pass me the pizza....(ring) hi, Carly Fiorina ? How are you
today?

Report this post to a moderator