microsoft.public.cert.exams.mcse - OT---- friday crap humour (humor for the colonials)

Author

OT---- friday crap humour (humor for the colonials)

billyw

2003-05-30, 7:23 am

met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange
a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest
to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night
before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for
a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, thought
"That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your
type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,
they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Jtyc

2003-05-30, 10:23 am

That was painful and I don't appreciate that kind of torture. What did we
ever do to you?

Consultant

2003-05-30, 10:23 am

please do not post jokes while you are in a drunken state

"billyw" <b@brainless.net> wrote in message
news:ezCKfMqJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP10.phx.gbl...
> met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange
> a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
>
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and
> heat it.
>
> So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest
> to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
>
> You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night
> before and shoot the fox.
>
> The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
> said "Did you get my drift?"
>
> So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
> this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
>
> I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
> fast one".
>
> So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
>
> So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
> said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
>
> But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
>
> So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
> Wedgie Kray.
>
> So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
> rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
for
> a-ROMATIC duck".
>
> But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition
> and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
>
> So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
> carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
>
> You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> converter.
>
> So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
> he said "Not you again".
>
> So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there
> was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
>
> He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> condiment".
>
> Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
> even he's a witch.
>
> And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> bisatchel.
>
> So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
> said "Are you two an item?".
>
> So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
thought
> "That's a turtle disaster".
>
> Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your
> type in here"
>
> A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
> start anything"
>
> A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
> some kind of joke?"
>
> A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
> here"
>
> Dyslexic man walks into a bra
>
> A seal walks into a club...
>
> A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
> please, and one for the road."
>
> A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the
> bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
> A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
> lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the
> manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
> asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
> boasting in an open foyer."
>
> There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
> different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
> Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
>
> A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
> family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,
> they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
> mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she
> also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If
> you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
>
>

billyw

2003-05-30, 11:23 am

hey i had to read it.. i just wanted to share
"Jtyc" <yo@respondtothegroup.com> wrote in message
news:%236A5A6rJDHA.1880@TK2MSFTNGP12.phx.gbl...
> That was painful and I don't appreciate that kind of torture. What did
we
> ever do to you?
>
>

billyw

2003-05-30, 11:23 am

not yet, give me time..

"Consultant" <consultant_mcngp@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:e8QvK8rJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP12.phx.gbl...
> please do not post jokes while you are in a drunken state
>
> "billyw" <b@brainless.net> wrote in message
> news:ezCKfMqJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP10.phx.gbl...
> > met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange
> > a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
> the
> > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
> and
> > heat it.
> >
> > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
> "Nearest
> > to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
> >
> > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
> night
> > before and shoot the fox.
> >
> > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
> > said "Did you get my drift?"
> >
> > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
> > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> >
> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
> > fast one".
> >
> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> > "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> >
> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
> > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> >
> > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> >
> > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
> > Wedgie Kray.
> >
> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red
> > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
> for
> > a-ROMATIC duck".
> >
> > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> competition
> > and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
> >
> > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
> > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
> >
> > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> > converter.
> >
> > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
> > he said "Not you again".
> >
> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
> there
> > was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> >
> > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > condiment".
> >
> > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
> > even he's a witch.
> >
> > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> > bisatchel.
> >
> > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
> > said "Are you two an item?".
> >
> > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
> thought
> > "That's a turtle disaster".
> >
> > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
> your
> > type in here"
> >
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
> > start anything"
> >
> > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
> > some kind of joke?"
> >
> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in
> > here"
> >
> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> >
> > A seal walks into a club...
> >
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint
> > please, and one for the road."
> >
> > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
> the
> > bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> >
> > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the
> > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
> the
> > manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they
> > asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
> > boasting in an open foyer."
> >
> > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
> > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> >
> > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain,
> > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
> > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she
> > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If
> > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> >
> >
>
>

Kendal Emery

2003-05-30, 3:23 pm

But, I live in a drunken State? Our state animal is the pink elephant.

--
Kendal R. Emery, MCSE, Network+, A+, MCNGP #19
Systems Administrator
Coordinated Home Care
kemery@coordinatedhomec
are.me.com
remove me to email to me
"Consultant" <consultant_mcngp@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:e8QvK8rJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP12.phx.gbl...
> please do not post jokes while you are in a drunken state
>
> "billyw" <b@brainless.net> wrote in message
> news:ezCKfMqJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP10.phx.gbl...
> > met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange
> > a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
> the
> > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
> and
> > heat it.
> >
> > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
> "Nearest
> > to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
> >
> > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
> night
> > before and shoot the fox.
> >
> > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
> > said "Did you get my drift?"
> >
> > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
> > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> >
> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
> > fast one".
> >
> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> > "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> >
> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
> > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> >
> > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> >
> > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
> > Wedgie Kray.
> >
> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red
> > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
> for
> > a-ROMATIC duck".
> >
> > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> competition
> > and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
> >
> > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
> > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
> >
> > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> > converter.
> >
> > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
> > he said "Not you again".
> >
> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
> there
> > was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> >
> > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > condiment".
> >
> > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
> > even he's a witch.
> >
> > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> > bisatchel.
> >
> > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
> > said "Are you two an item?".
> >
> > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
> thought
> > "That's a turtle disaster".
> >
> > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
> your
> > type in here"
> >
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
> > start anything"
> >
> > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
> > some kind of joke?"
> >
> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in
> > here"
> >
> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> >
> > A seal walks into a club...
> >
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint
> > please, and one for the road."
> >
> > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
> the
> > bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> >
> > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the
> > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
> the
> > manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they
> > asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
> > boasting in an open foyer."
> >
> > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
> > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> >
> > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain,
> > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
> > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she
> > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If
> > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> >
> >
>
>

billyw

2003-05-30, 4:23 pm

no one in yank-land really gets drunk.
you just get a little tipsy and loud

"Kendal Emery" <kemery@coordinatedhomecare.me.com> wrote in message
news:%23Vz1sWuJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP10.phx.gbl...
> But, I live in a drunken State? Our state animal is the pink elephant.
>
> --
> Kendal R. Emery, MCSE, Network+, A+, MCNGP #19
> Systems Administrator
> Coordinated Home Care
> kemery@coordinatedhomec
are.me.com
> remove me to email to me
> "Consultant" <consultant_mcngp@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:e8QvK8rJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP12.phx.gbl...
> > please do not post jokes while you are in a drunken state
> >
> > "billyw" <b@brainless.net> wrote in message
> > news:ezCKfMqJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP10.phx.gbl...
> > > met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
> arrange
> > > a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> > >
> > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in
> > the
> > > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak

> > and
> > > heat it.
> > >
> > > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
> > "Nearest
> > > to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest". [colo
r=darkred]
> > >
> > > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
> > night
> > > before and shoot the fox.
> > >
> > > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,[/color]
I[col
or=darkred]
> > > said "Did you get my drift?"
> > >
> > > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
> complaint,
> > > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> > >
> > > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull[/color]
a[col
or=darkred]
> > > fast one".
> > >
> > > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> > > "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> > >
> > > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".[/color]
He[co
lor=darkred]
> > > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> > >
> > > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> > > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> > >
> > > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
> > > Wedgie Kray.
> > >
> > > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
> red
> > > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I[/color]
asked

> > for
> > > a-ROMATIC duck".
> > >
> > > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> > competition
> > > and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
> > >
> > > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your[
color=darkred]
> > > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
> > >
> > > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> > > converter.
> > >
> > > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
> caller",
> > > he said "Not you again".
> > >
> > > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
> > there
> > > was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> > >
> > > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > > condiment".
> > >
> > > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example[/color]
Goran,
> > > even he's a witch.
> > >
> > > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> > > bisatchel.
> > >
> > > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I[col
or=darkred]
> > > said "Are you two an item?".
> > >
> > > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
> > thought
> > > "That's a turtle disaster".
> > >
> > > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't[/color]
want
> > your
> > > type in here"
> > >
> > > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't

> > > start anything"
> > >
> > > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
this[
color=darkred]
> > > some kind of joke?"
> > >
> > > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve[/color]
food
> in

> > > here"
> > >
> > > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> > >
> > > A seal walks into a club...
> > >
> > > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
> " Pint
> > > please, and one for the road."
> > >
> > > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to
> > the
> > > bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> > >
> > > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
> the
> > > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour,

> > the
> > > manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
> they
> > > asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
> > > boasting in an open foyer."
> > >
> > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten[c
olor=darkred]
> > > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
> > > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> > >
> > > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to[/color]
a[col
or=darkred]
> > > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
> Spain,
> > > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to[/color]
his[c
olor=darkred]
> > > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
> she
> > > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
> If

> > > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>
>[/color]

Gary - US

2003-05-30, 10:23 pm

No man....we get shit faced.

--
Semper Fi & God Bless America,

Gary - US MCNGP #20

http://www.mcngp.tk
The MCNGP Team - We're here to help
--------------------------------------------------------------
Kindly do the needful!
--------------------------------------------------------------
"billyw" <b@brainless.net> wrote in message
news:#RU#VEvJDHA.1372@TK2MSFTNGP12.phx.gbl...
> no one in yank-land really gets drunk.
> you just get a little tipsy and loud
>
> "Kendal Emery" <kemery@coordinatedhomecare.me.com> wrote in message
> news:%23Vz1sWuJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP10.phx.gbl...
> > But, I live in a drunken State? Our state animal is the pink elephant.
> >
> > --
> > Kendal R. Emery, MCSE, Network+, A+, MCNGP #19
> > Systems Administrator
> > Coordinated Home Care
> > kemery@coordinatedhomec
are.me.com
> > remove me to email to me
> > "Consultant" <consultant_mcngp@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> > news:e8QvK8rJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP12.phx.gbl...
> > > please do not post jokes while you are in a drunken state
> > >
> > > "billyw" <b@brainless.net> wrote in message
> > > news:ezCKfMqJDHA.700@TK2MSFTNGP10.phx.gbl...
> > > > met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
> > arrange
> > > > a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> > > >
> > > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
> in

> > > the
> > > > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> kayak
> > > and
> > > > heat it.
> > > >
> > > > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
> > > "Nearest
> > > > to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
> closest".
> > > >
> > > > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
the[c
olor=darkred]
> > > night
> > > > before and shoot the fox.
> > > >
> > > > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her[/color]
up,
> I
> > > > said "Did you get my drift?"
> > > >
> > > > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
> > complaint,
> > > > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> > > >
> > > > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
pull
> a
> > > > fast one".
> > > >
> > > > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> > > > "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> > > >
> > > > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
splits?".
> He

> > > > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> > > >
> > > > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
pack[
color=darkred]
> > > > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> > > >
> > > > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it[/color]
was[c
olor=darkred]
> > > > Wedgie Kray.
> > > >
> > > > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with[/color]
a
> > red
> > > > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
> asked
> > > for
> > > > a-ROMATIC duck".
> > > >
> > > > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> > > competition
> > > > and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
> > > >
> > > > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
> your
> > > > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
> > > >
> > > > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic
> > > > converter.
> > > >
> > > > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
> > caller",
> > > > he said "Not you again".
> > > >
> > > > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)
and[c
olor=darkred]
> > > there
> > > > was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> > > >
> > > > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > > > condiment".
> > > >
> > > > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
> Goran,
> > > > even he's a witch.
> > > >
> > > > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,[/color]
he's[
color=darkred]
> > > > bisatchel.
> > > >
> > > > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a[/color]
barcode.
> I
> > > > said "Are you two an item?".
> > > >
> > > > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
> > > thought
> > > > "That's a turtle disaster".
> > > >
> > > > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
> want
> > > your
> > > > type in here"
> > > >
> > > > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
> don't
> > > > start anything"
> > > >
> > > > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
> this
> > > > some kind of joke?"
> > > >
> > > > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
> food
> > in
> > > > here"
> > > >
> > > > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> > > >
> > > > A seal walks into a club...
> > > >
> > > > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
> > "Pint
> > > > please, and one for the road."
> > > >
> > > > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
> to

> > > the
> > > > bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> > > >
> > > > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in
> > the
> > > > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
> hour,
> > > the
> > > > manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?"
> > they
> > > > asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess
nuts[
color=darkred]
> > > > boasting in an open foyer."
> > > >
> > > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
> ten
> > > > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
> > > > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> > > >
> > > > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes[/color]
to
> a
> > > > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
> > Spain,
> > > > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
> his
> > > > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wished
> > she
> > > > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
twins.
> > If
> > > > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>
>

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